wounds of divorce: 6 tips on how to survive and thrive
The breakdown of a once cherished relationship such as a marriage triggers a host of thoughts and feelings; the residual beliefs can make us feel we are much like the “walking wounded”, so marked are we by the experience of divorce. During the process of divorce, we need to find ways to manage the inevitable stress and mixed emotions that it will raise.
Some of the post-divorce issues that can surface include feelings of distrust when a new relationship becomes possible, low self-esteem and profound doubts around our sexual confidence.
A client of mine recently called divorce a “smelting process” in which the heat of the experience changed her in a fundamental way; she felt, after a time new and free, but still carried many residual after-effects, some positive, some negative, from the divorce.
The secret, in nutshell of getting to the end of tunnel, is connection and self-care, taking time to pull yourself away from the inevitable drama inherent in the process. Then you can begin to thrive.
Here are 6 tips to help you on your way:
- self-care: find a group that you can talk to, friends, family or a therapist. You probably won’t need weekly therapeutic sessions, but even once a month therapy can help to explore and lick your wounds
- self-nurture: really look after yourself: in the midst of a couple breakup you can quite literally lose yourself in just surviving, your fight or flight system rockets up and you may feel now it’s all up to you regarding your children. It is at this point that you also need to-dare we say-get little selfish (it’s not) and find time for what you need. If you’re a parent, your children need you resilient and robust, not running on fumes
- exercise: find ways in which you can get back into your body. Divorce plays games with your mind; yoga, a walk on the beach or in a park can bring you back to your physical nature and help lower your anxiety
- beware the Drama Triangle: this is made up of the victim, the rescuer, the perpetrator and can have you ratcheting from one role to the other; you may also be enrolled by your ex into one or another position (or you may enrol yourself). Your task is simple but can be hard: get off the drama!
- Feel awful: the smelting of divorce makes us feel traumatised at times-this does not mean that there is anything going wrong. The more you allow yourself to feel the bad the more you will be able to feel the good when it comes, and it will
- Take time: before you make any decisions talk them over with your therapist, your lawyer or a trusted friend, don’t feel pressurised into making life choices quickly
