the mindful couple (part 1)
“close relationships give rise to my most intense reactivity as well as to cherished moments of connectedness” -Tara Brach Radical Acceptance
As a couple and family therapist whose practice is becoming more informed by mindfulness based interventions, I often ask myself what a mindful couple would look like and what a mindful relationship might be.
I’ve come to experience in session the obstacles and opportunities that relationships bring to us; our deep and often unconscious drive to relate can reveal our deepest potentials for wholeness and connection-and can result in just as deep devastation and trauma.
Exploring a model of mindfulness developed by Shapiro & Carson (2009) comprised of three core elements, intention, attention and attitude, I wondered if this might help couples experiencing stuck or difficult relationships.
I’d been seeing Toni and Belinda (not their real names) for two sessions, and they had been telling me how although they had been together for three years, they felt that the honeymoon period was long over and they had hit hidden reefs in their relationship.
Belinda was a company director who worked long hours, striving to keep the company afloat in difficult times, Toni was a nurse on a hospital oncology ward who worked predictable but unsocial shift patterns. They had become like ships that passed in the night, briefly and superficially communicating to the point where connection was being made through barley barbed snipes at each other. Their sex life, as Toni said was “complete rubbish”.
I invited then both to bring a mindful practice to their relationship and they readily agreed. Kabat-Zinn writes about intention as setting the stage for what is possible, encouraging the potential in our life, which I think is rather like the seed in the mud that helps generates the lotus (ibid). Toni, Belinda and I talked about what kind of shared vision they might create and let develop between them. This brought the couple to explore their life values in a deeply constructive and conscious manner, setting a considered couple intention not as (yet another) set of goals and targets but as a navigational tool to keep them on a shared and mutually thriving course.
Attention is a core component of mindfulness practice. What we bring our attention to-or not to-is crucial, or as Rob Nairn says “energy follows focus”. Belinda and Toni had put a lot of attention into Belinda and Toni, but not much recently into the relationship. They began to cultivate this mutual attention, beginning with date nights and texts of gratitude to each other.
How we attend, or what attitude we cultivate is essential. In a couple relationship a harsh, cold or spiteful attitude is unlikely to be a successful one. Siegal (2007) developed the acronym COAL-curiosity, openness, acceptance and love-as a way of skilfully eliciting the qualities of a mindful set of attitudes. Could these be brought into Belinda and Toni’s relationship?
The couple explored how they might be more curious about each other’s days, and opened out with some surprise at each other’s struggling but at times rewarding work. This created a kind of positive feedback loop where both Belinda and Toni grew more connected. They brought a sense of allowing, of acceptance into their shared living, and with that a growing compassion and love.
Toni and Belinda went on to practice their mindful relationship and to use intention-attention-attitude as a mutual practice to communicate and connect in increasingly deeper ways.
Oh, and their sex life improved, too.
The Art and science of Mindfulness: integrating mindfulness into psychology and the helping professions, Shauna Shapiro and Linda Carson 2009
The Mindful Brain: reflection and attunement in the cultivation of wellbeing by Dan Siegal 2007
