rebuilding trust in couple relationships: 6 great tips
Simone and Andy sat in opposite chairs in the consulting room, looking straight at the counsellor. There had been a pause in the conversation, broken by Simone’s voice: “I don’t trust him. Not anymore. Not now. I can’t” The Counsellor turns to Simone to ask for more, stops and decides that perhaps Andy might offer a different perspective. He does: “well…she…you can trust me, I’ve told you, I know it was in the past and you need to move on; you keeping telling me I have to show more trust and say yeah, it was months ago, so, yeah, move on” What was months ago? The counsellor softly asks. Andy shifts in his seat. “I kissed another woman, I mean, I was drunk and I’ve texted her since.” Simone looks at Andy, then looks back at the counsellor “how can I trust him?” she simply asks.
How indeed?
Whether it is infidelity, lies or broken promises, broken trust is a major problem that can destroy couple relationships, and rebuilding trust can be deeply challenging; it takes time and effort to rebuild the trust that was automatically there at the beginning.
Looking at Andy and Simons story above, it’s clear that both are right: there has to be an effective strategy or mechanism put in place to rebuild trust in the relationship, and both have to “get past the past” so to speak, but it’s so much easier said than done, the sense of one person suppressing the impact of broken trust and the other deeply resentful can create a toxic mix in relationships.
What to do?
In couple counselling sessions, a more focused approach to breakdown of trust can be encouraged. Partners can be asked to express their hurt and remorse, but remind them that for the period of time they are in therapy they are not to approach the subject in the way they have been (plainly because it has not worked). At times the sheer effort of striving after something can actually magnify the issues, so instead we can switch the focus to one of disconnection.
Why?
Because a couple experiencing broken trust are, at heart, experiencing an often-devastating sense of disconnection, and we know that connection is perhaps the primary force, the “glue” in good couple relationships. So, we might encourage couples to reconnect: by date nights, by text messages of love, by walks, by a range of activities and communication that works for them in their situation. This shifts the focus, and often trust returns organically rather than as a kind of transactional force.
That said, there are a few changes couples can make that can help in the short term:
- Work to understand why trust was broken; when asked why it happened don’t just say “I don’t know”
- Decide you are moving into forgiveness and being forgiven: this is quite a big task, so take some time here in processing this
- If you are the one who has broken trust you must now be empathic to your partner’s pain and work to become wholly open to it; for example, do not keep your phone passcode secret
- If you are the one who has been hurt express your hurt but do not live in it, you must work to discharge it and not turn your partner into a victim
- Be both equally committed to this new relationship, don’t expect only one of you to do the work
- Take time. Because it will take time to build up the connections again.
