getting real love 8: prepared for the second stage of loving? 12 hot tips!
It’s a cliché to say that the longest relationship you are going to ever have with a human being is with yourself, but it is true and does contain an important message; if you are in a difficult relationship with yourself, it’s going to be hard to get real love.
This is first stage loving and it’s mostly expressed through need and unconscious drives; there’s nothing wrong with this, and anyway we’re all required to relate in a first stage manner before progressing to a second: you can’t-as the writer Ken Wilber’s says-ever skip a stage.
So, how to relate to yourself and your own shadow-all those things that trigger you to get caught up in issues and problems and end up running you (when it should be other way around) are critical to the health, wellbeing and growth of your couple relationship(s).
This is not just simply about loving yourself-narcissists and those folk with huge explicit self-esteem do this, but often have terrible relationships, it’s about being able to compassionately live and explore and come to terms with the unresolved aspects of your relational self to self, so it won’t snag up yourself in relationships.
Here’s a list of some of the factors that might indicate you’re ready for second stage loving (we’re all unlikely to achieve everything on the list, mind):
- When you are relating from a place of want rather than need: you can therefore make a more aware choice of partner
- You are okay being single
- You’re not searching for an idealised other, you have given up the notion that the other could ever be perfect
- You have resolved your last relationship issues
- You realise that only you can make you happy; you want comfort, sharing, love and a life from your partner but you don’t depend on a partner for happiness
- You know you will not get it all from your partner, and so does your partner-you are both free to pursue out of relationship goals
- You’re not looking for a rescuer
- You accept yourself
- You are able and willing to express your vulnerable sides; you cannot go into a new relationship with your armour up
- You are aware and alive to the messiness inside you and you are able to acknowledge this
- You are clear as to what is in, iffy and out of the relationship; you have robust yet connective boundaries
- You are your own role model
