compassionate couples
In order to both create connection but also to sustain it over the course of a relationship, compassion is essential. Once thought of as empathy, we now know that empathy on its own in a relationship is just not enough.
One is the most accurate descriptions of compassion might be the one used by the Mindfulness Association in the U.K.
“Compassion is a sensitivity to the suffering of self and others, with a deep wish and commitment to relieve the suffering.” (Dalai Lama)
Reading this you can see that there are two parts, sometimes called the “two psychologies” to compassion (Gilbert & Choden 2013), that of first noticing pain and suffering-which often means in a relationship being able to stand true in a robust way when our partners are in distress (and recognising without turning away from the part we might have played in all this) then the “second psychology” that of turning towards our partner’s pain and suffering and wishing to help alleviate it.
So in the first psychology we will need to build up our tolerance to our partners pain and suffering, to really empathise with it, yet in the second psychology to help alleviate that pain will also mean that for us it requires a degree of resource building to reach out or act compassionately, whatever that action might be-a loving arm around our partner’s shoulders, a listening ear, not giving advice, but a deep and sustained attempt at understanding your partner’s inner world and experience just as it is.
Because the giving of compassion activates the neurochemicals oxytocin and vasopressin this then creates a positive feedback loop where when you are giving compassion, more compassion resides in you, too.
So the steps, in a nutshell are
1. Pause first before weighing in with advice
2. Breathe; soften into the relationship
3. Notice what you partner is going through, saying and expressing
4. Soothe any difficult thoughts or feeling you have by breathing out
5. Stay with the experience as it is, allowing your partner’s distress to be as it is
6. Empathise, stand in his or her shoes
7. Then offer you kind and tentative understanding; you may need to repeat these steps
Gilbert & Choden Mindful Compassion Robinson 2013
