Are you loving too much?

Perhaps it’s an urban myth, but there is a story about why aeroplanes originally required navigators: the planes took off and landed, but in between they were constantly going off course. The flight journey was all about the navigator making small corrections to remedy this; it just became less necessary to have a human navigator when onboard computers could do the job.

There is a parallel here to couple relationships, in that we can seldom feel that our relationships are perfectly balanced and “on course” and both we and our partners will take time to step in and navigate the relationship, by rebalancing or recalibrating the “deal[1]” or dynamic between us.

This is particularly important in regard to giving and taking, or perhaps giving care and receiving care, attention and of course, ultimately, love. Relationships can be out of balance at times, but this is different to being out of whack, when something seriously is going wrong. When you find yourself in a place where you are loving too much, this can be an early warning sign that something truly needs attention.

This problem-loving too much-was thought of as being redolent of the kind of relationship that only women might suffer from,[2] [3] as if it solely belonged to a narrative or discourse that goes a little like giving, socialised, caretaking women with taking, unsocialised, selfish man yet there is growing evidence to suggest this is a mutual issue across genders and is not restricted to one, only.[4] [5]

It seems we all get caught up in habitual and unaware patterns of relating, we all have a shadow side[6].

How can we tell if we’re in a relationship where we are loving too much?

Here’s how:

Spotting the warning signs

Here are some questions you might ask yourself to help work out if yours is an unbalanced relationship, if you are doing the lion’s share of the giving and getting little back-or whether more is happening:

Do you feel tired all the time (sometimes known as TATT) in this relationship? In short, is this relationship wearing you out?
Are the expectations in the relationship unspoken? Is it time to speak about them?
Do you feel obligated or pressured to be the one who gives?
Have you ever woken up with the sudden realisation that you are a parent or tutor in this relationship?
Have you ever woken up with the sudden realisation that your partner is in a child state in this relationship (whining, demanding, sulking)?
And this child state, with its apparent lack of power-it’s actually very powerful and can be quite coercive-does it immediately activate your “habitual caretaker who denies their own needs” state?
Are you guilted into doing more-do you feel you should, you must, you ought, to help out more? Shoulds, oughts and musts are often the signs that you are caught up in habitual, unconscious and possibly detrimental beliefs and behaviours
Do you feel on edge in the relationship, anxious, wobbly, walking on eggshells; sensitive to your partners emotional demands to the extent that you cannot get, or even ask for, your needs to be met? Do you feel you have disowned or denied your own needs? (Note, this might be the slippery slope into a coercive relationship: seek professional help if you think it is)
Do you supress any resentful feelings around this (as in, for example, you can’t really be yourself in this relationship) and instead feel caught up into proving your self-worth through perpetual hard work and “loving” compromise in this relationship?
Can you look back to past relationships? Is there a pattern emerging of giving and taking where past partners took, took, took, while you gave, gave, gave? Did this pattern originate in your upbringing? (it might be useful to get counselling to help explore this)

And what to do

Navigating your relationship, fine tuning it or recalibrating it (use what words you will) is an important and critical skillset in any couple relationship. But if you find you are loving too much, it might be a sign you need to recalibrate with more focus. How much more? It can depend on how entrenched you think these warning signs or habits are; if you feel you might be in a relationship where your partners lack of responsibility and apparent powerlessness is actually controlling, then in effect their “play” at being a victim is actually victimising you. In cases such as this, you might need professional help, fast.

For the other warning signs, you may want to take some time to reflect on past relationships, take stock of any patterns you might find, and work on what might be some limiting beliefs about yourself, what you are “permitted” to ask for and do and your understanding of what makes a healthy relationship in general.

You might also find it useful to

set boundaries in the relationship, ask yourself what you are prepared to give and what you are not prepared to give-and what you expect, what you deserve to receive
take time out, time for yourself, time to nurture yourself and fill up your own reservoir as well as filling up your partners sometimes endless, empty ocean
take time to reflect on your own relational history; ask yourself what relational habits do I have? Where did they come from? What are they bringing to me-or taking from me? Can I grow past them? What am I caught up in? what do I neglect or disown regarding my own needs?
let your partner do their own problem solving, let them seek out other help such as increasing their social network and building up their own resources or having individual (or couple) counselling

You might find it useful to check on your own self-worth, find time to fulfil your own needs and wants, because if you’re loving too much, then it will quickly become too much: keep navigating!

[1] The “deal” or unconscious fit is, of course where the action really is; this is the real driver we finally are required to explore, be aware of and liberate ourselves from, it’s the drive underneath the drive, underneath that drive, and it expresses itself in our shoulds, oughts and musts

[2] http://ta-tutor.com/sites/ta-tutor.com/files/handouts/ram167.pdf

[3] https://www.keen.com/articles/love/8-signs-you-love-him-too-much

[4] https://torontosnumber1datedoctor.com/blog/men-who-love-too-much/

[5] https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/in-the-name-love/200908/loving-too-much

[6] http://mindful-counselling.com/shadow-work-where-will-i-find-my-shadow-what-do-i-do-next-and-who-is-ken-wilber/ and http://mindful-counselling.com/shadow-work-turning-inwards-with-self-compassion/