getting real love #18: what are your shared values?
Couple fit is how and at times where we connect in our long-term couple relationships. We can forgo other things in our relationships, but if we feel fundamentally disconnected, we will quickly feel in trouble.
One powerful way to connect is in the area of shared values. After the helter skelter of the honeymoon period the person you want to spend the rest of your life with should embody similar values to ours, values that persist over time.
Our shared values are often split into beliefs created from our upbringing and social aspirations. We might ask ourselves: what are my values from my family upbringing? Or what are my aspirations? and explore the reciprocal fit in your partner.
Some of these values might be religious, ethical yet secular, the value of family, money, children or community. Values could concern a strong work ethic, trust in relationships, fidelity or communication. Of course, this list is nether prescriptive or absolute; polyamorous couples might place different values on fidelity than monogamous couples. What is important is how values jigsaw together, not the individual pieces themselves. Not all your values need sharing, but core, fundamental ones are better placed to.
Shared values are a kind of relationship Velcro, yet what happens if your partner holds a wildly different value to yours? That depends on the value itself. If, for example, it is respect then it could be make or break time. However, if the couple’s shared value is a respect of difference, then a compromise might be made.
Below the surface of much conflict in couple relationships lies the issue of a clash of different values or a not knowing what values are truly shared. Perhaps it’s time to find out and reconnect.
