The Secret to Stronger Communication in Relationships: Mastering the Art of Bidding

Ever wonder why some conversations with your partner spark connection, while others fall flat? According to relationship expert John Gottman, it’s all about bids—those everyday moments when we reach out for attention, affection, or connection. A bid can be as simple as:

“Do you like my new shirt?”

“What should we do this weekend?”

A playful nudge or a knowing glance.

How your partner responds makes all the difference.

Here’s how it works:

Three Ways to Respond to a Bid

Imagine you ask, “What do you want to do tonight?”  Turn Away: Your partner shrugs, “Dunno,” eyes glued to their phone. You feel ignored.

Turn Against: They snap, “Why are you always asking? Figure it out!” You feel pushed away.

Turn Towards: They pause, “Hmm, maybe a movie? What do you think?” You feel heard, and the conversation flows.

Why It Matters

Gottman’s research shows that couples who consistently turn towards each other build trust and lasting relationships. It’s not about agreeing—it’s about showing you care.

3 Tips for Better Bidding 

Be Clear: Say what you want directly—don’t expect mind-reading.

See the Deeper Need: Bids are often about connection, not just the question. Ask, “What’s my partner really seeking?”

Keep It Simple: Don’t overwhelm with too many requests at once.

Try It Today

Next time your partner makes a bid, try turning towards them with attention and curiosity. Notice the difference! Want more ways to strengthen your relationship? Explore our resources (#) for practical tips.